Don’t Talk to Her

What if her new boyfriend doesn't want you to talk to her? And her to you?

(Just to be absolutely clear, he did not ask me to avoid speaking to her. This is only my reflection to a speculative question.)


I was asked this question by a friend last week, and it's an interesting situation to think about. There are a couple of perspectives to consider here, and I'll go over each of them. How he, she, and I react in this situation says a lot about us as people and will determine how I decide to respond to him.

Let's focus on her new boyfriend first. The fact that he would make this request of her already says a lot about him and their relationship. Anyone who makes this request of a significant other obviously doesn't feel secure in the relationship. They don't trust that the bond they have built with their partner is strong enough to keep him or her from looking around or considering getting back with an ex. Even worse, they might think their partner is the type of person who has a tendency to do those things (then why date them in the first place?).

In our specific situation, I would think that since he took her out only 9 days after she broke up with me (and so may have had something to do with her decision to break up with me in the first place), he's probably feeling anxious because he thinks the same thing could happen, except in reverse. He's probably worried that I may somehow "convince" her to break up with him or cheat on him and get back together with me. A relationship built on this lack of trust is already doomed to fail.

The right way of doing it probably would have been to give her time to truly get over me and sort out her feelings so that they are not squelched while trying to explore a new relationship (I'm assuming she hadn't sorted them out completely because 9 days is hardly enough time to get over someone after you've told them you love them a week prior to that). By leaving those feelings buried beneath the surface and never truly resolving them, eventually she may wonder if it was the right thing to do and if it would have actually worked out with a second chance. You can imagine how poorly that would go.



Looking at Jewelz' perspective, she has two ways she can respond to her new boyfriend's request. If she agrees to oblige by it, then she's now entering into a relationship that is controlled by his fear and his need to manipulate her in order to alleviate that fear. It's a relationship based on insecurity, and it may eventually lead him to try to control her more and more, which obviously isn't healthy and could even one day become abusive when she tries to stand up to him.

If she doesn't agree to his request, then the question remains, "Why is she even dating someone like that in the first place?" Maybe she's trying to change him. However, you can't force people to change, just like she couldn't force me to become Christian. They have to want to do it of their own accord. He should be able to appreciate that she is mature enough to be faithful to him regardless of who she interacts with while they are together. However, this request would show that she's dating someone who doesn't trust her for the reasons I talked about above. Therefore, it's still a relationship that is likely doomed from the start.



The last perspective to consider is mine. Keep in mind, it's the only one I'm 100% sure about, and it's the only one I truly have control over. Everything above is speculation based only on what I know about human behavior. So what if he made this request of me? To understand how I should react to it, we need to dig deeper into my intentions with Jewelz.

The first and most obvious possibility is the scenario in which I am actively trying to sabotage their relationship and get back with her. If that were the case, then it would indicate that I have a lot more personal problems other than an already failed relationship. I'd need to spend a lot more time with God and work on building myself into a better person. In that case, he would have every right to ask me to stay away from her, assuming that I'm actively being destructive to their relationship, and I really should oblige in that scenario.



Given that it isn't my intention to break them up, let's explore what I'm actually thinking right now. I'm not in love with her anymore, but I still love her as a person. That means I still want the best for her and I want her to grow with God, whether I am the romantic interest in her life or not. She's one of the greatest and most wholesome people I have ever met, so I would like her to be a close friend for the rest of my life. Whether she wants the same or not is her decision, but in the meantime, I will do my part to try to rebuild that.

If we happened to talk again and hang out, I would need to do the right thing and set boundaries if she's not willing to (and she's the type of person to be very cognizant of this stuff anyway). What does that mean? It means that if we were to hang out alone together, even to get boba at Class 302 or something similar, I would expect her to let her boyfriend know just so it doesn't make him uneasy or break the trust in their relationship if he found out later and didn't approve (again, which would say a lot more about him). If for some crazy reason, she got romantically interested again and tried to do something like kiss me or even hold my hand...


I wouldn't let her do it.


Why? Well, it's the right thing to do. Also, having her cheat on him would be the worst way to start a relationship together for the rest of our lives. If I really wanted a shot at marrying this girl, I need to make sure I do it right. She would have to break up with him for her own reasons in her own time. I would need to give her time to really make sure she was over him. I would need to help her make sure she had her head on straight, i.e. had built a solid relationship between her and God. Only then, after talking about things openly and honestly (and only if both of us really wanted to at that point), could we possibly start the process of building a new relationship, hopefully to last a lifetime this time around.

That's the way it needs to be done if there were any chance it could work out. So getting back to the original question. What if her new boyfriend doesn't want me to talk to her? My answer is that he doesn't really need to be asking me that in the first place. I'm not out to ruin their relationship. In fact, I'll support it if it makes her happy and (more importantly) holy. If he feels like he really needs to ask this of me, then he should probably spend less time worrying about me and more time worrying about his relationship with her.



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