Have you ever made a deal with God? …and then had God keep His end of the bargain completely? Be careful what you wish/pray for.
I made a promise to God, and now I'm not sure if I have to keep it.
It was early October 2015. I can recall that moment exactly. I was driving from the Surgical Hospital towards Loma Linda's main campus hospital. I was feeling extremely empty inside because I had been dating/sleeping around with nothing to show for it. By that point, I had resigned myself to being a pimp plastic surgeon that slept around with women for the rest of his life. I wasn't marriage material and never would be.
Despite this, I had an unconscious yearning for something more. Something much deeper. I didn't really believe in God at that point. I hadn't gone to church in over 10 years, but at that low point, I decided, "What do I have to lose?" I began to pray.
"God, if you're really out there, I don't want to do this anymore. If you give me someone steady to be in a relationship with, I promise I will love her and take care of her until the end of residency."
Yes, being the asshole I was at the time, I asked for someone awesome only until the end of residency. I still had to date around and "figure stuff out" when I became a fresh plastic surgeon out in the world of gorgeous women, you know.
Anyways, not even a few weeks later, God brought me to Jewelz. We met in Boston at her company's event for a plastic surgery conference. From there, we hit it off… sort of. She stuck with me despite my personality flaws and slowly transformed me from a guy who wanted to sleep around for the rest of his life into one who knew he wanted to get married and stay faithful to only one girl forever. You can read more details about our journey here.
My relationship with her, and more specifically, the breakup ended up bringing me back to God. I became Christian and reaffirmed my faith in nothing short of a transformational way. During this process Jewelz, completely blocked me out of her life and started dating someone else. I'm okay with all of that because I am blessed with grace and have full faith in whatever God's plan for me is. However, that still leaves me with the promise…
I promised God that I would love her and take care of her until the end of residency. I'm supposed to graduate in October 2018, which is a pretty long time from now. I made this promise BEFORE I even met Jewelz, and God fully kept His end of the deal. So what do I do?
I'm supposed to keep it of course, but what are the rules and boundaries? How do you love and take care of someone who 1) doesn't even want to talk to you or see you, and 2) is dating someone else, so technically that's his responsibility now. It's a really strange and almost jacked up situation that I'm stuck in. When I pray, I do often mention to God that he has a really messed up sense of humor sometimes. I imagine He's looking down at me chuckling and wondering what I'm going to do from here… keep my word or disregard His blessing?
After some thought, I think I've figured it out, but I'm not totally sure. I mentioned at the end of the post on grace that I still love Julie even though I'm not in love with her. I can still love her and take care of her in whatever capacity is available to me, which is limited right now but may become larger if we become friends again. My goal is not to get back together with her. It's to help her grow in her relationship with God, however that may be. I'm a friend who will look out for her and support her in her business. I will be available if she ever needs anything. That's how I keep my promise to God.
Can I date someone else? If I only love her as a friend, then it should be okay. I have a responsibility to make sure my heart is emotionally free before I get involved with anyone else, of course. It sort of makes me wonder what's going to happen when I finally finish residency. Will I be dating someone who will have taken my heart for good? Will I have just met someone who will be "better" in all the important ways? Will Jewelz have gotten engaged to someone else? Will Jewelz and I be back together? Only God knows…
"When a man makes a vow to the Lord or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said." Numbers 30:2
I guess that answers my question. Courtesy of an IG post today by _jessicachow.